I blame you Hollywood...

Man it has been a while.

Today I had my first "fight" with one of my closest girlfriends. This friend...has been a major constant in this life. During a recent visit things were off, different, funky for "us". So I/we took some time to process and reflect. Once ready, I wrote an email and she responded...and shared big news. At first I was upset that the big news had been held back, rightfully so. And then I decided to look at it from a different angle, take a different approach. Viola!...self aside and love shines! It isn't about "me". It isn't about the "Ya Ya Sisterhood" illusion I painted.

So yes..."I blame you Hollywood...for showing me things you never should show a young girl in a cruel world." If you have not heard of Angus and Julia Stone...please, promise you will check them out. And then listen to Hollywood.

Vegan Pumpkin Bread

Ladies and Gents...this recipe produced a delectable snack (could also be breakfast/dessert). Taken from Alicia Silverstone's book "The Kind Diet". Original recipe serves 8 to 10. I easily modified it to make one loaf that will serve my little family a nice snack all week:

5 cups cooked pumpkin (fresh is best, but canned will do)
2 cups maple sugar (i used pure cane sugar)
2 "eggs": either 2 tblsp flaxseeds pureed with 6 tblsp water or 2 eggs' worth of egg replacer
1 cup almond milk or other nut milk
3/4 cup safflower oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 cups spelt flour
3 teaspoons baking soda
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 tblsp ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
3/4 cup grain-sweetened, nondairy chocolate or carob chips (save some for top)
1 cup whole macadamia nuts (save some for top, if like)

Preheat oven to 350. Oil two 9"x5" glass loaf pans.

Combine the pumpkin puree,sugar,"eggs",milk,oil, and vanilla extract in a mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, and most of the chocolate chips and nuts if reserving some to sprinkle on top. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients until just combined.

Fill the prepared pans with the batter. Top with the reserved chocolate chips and nuts. Bake for 45 mins to 1 hour or until the top springs back when pressed with a finger.

Let the loaves cool in the pans for a few mins, then turn out onto a baking rack to cool completely.

grid. grids. griding

i wonder...and yet i dont because i know. i know how difficult and i know how deep. so which is it? which do you choose?

i wonder where to stand. if i go left, will the shift be too much? if i go right, will you go left? if i go forward, will you need to go back? if i go backward, will you come with me? if you go forward, will you want me to come with you? and on and on...

these wonders are only that. honestly, coming from my heart, i stand in the center. of course shifts will have to take place. getting ahead and falling behind.

the question is...do we do this alone or together? do we have our own individual grids that merge? do we have individual grids and a seperate one that represents the together grid? do we allow one another to shift from a grid to no grid and remain there, in the center.


**dear friends** please share your thoughts.

**dear strangers** also, please share.

a collection

Awoke today. Had an awful dream. Get a call from a wonderful man. Go to watch my favorite human play. Drive in and through a clear and crisp day. Breathe in blue skies and loud music. Feel the pain of loss. Sweat out liquid of need. Dance the only way this self dances. Move into the freedom of night...

one of those perfect days i wrap up and place on a special shelf

This is being written on Monday (and continued/finished on Thursday). And the perfect day wrapped up occurred on Sunday. It began with a wake up after loosing an hour due to daylight savings. It has always stumped me...how time just falls or springs. I have always wondered why stopping time can't be as easy. This Sunday...I would have, could have, and did (in my own magical way) stop time. The sky view from Florida was crisp and cool and clear, all views yelling "GET OUT HERE AND ENJOY ME!".
So we did...Sulli and I. We got up and hung out. Funny...at this moment I can't even remember what we did when we woke. Anyway, after lounging around for a bit, I decided to treat us to breakfast. How could I possibly stay in, cook and then wash dishes? So we ate a delish b-fast full of chai tea, mickey mouse shaped pancakes and fritatas with veggies. Although, as the plates were being served, time froze. I began cutting the pancakes and getting the plate ready for Sulli...you know, making sure his napkin was accessible, water in reach, etc. And I realized how happy I was. And then time started again. And I realized part of that happiness had to do with the realization of selflessness...one of the greatest and trickiest attributes of parenthood.

Next we decided to practice riding his bike with out the training wheels. So we head to this new FANTASTIC park. At first Sulli was resistant and wanted to go home and ride around the neighborhood. I explained that at the park we would not have to worry about cars, people walking dogs, etc. We would have space which is exactly what someone needs when learning to ride a bike. Mom won, we go to park. We get bike out of car, attach helmet to head and pads to elbows and knees and set sail. Fell twice. Each time with Sulli saying so cutely "Thank goodness I am wearing my helmet and pads!" Each time Sulli re-enacting the falls to show exactly where he hit the pavement and how the helmet and pads helped. After about 10 mins I realize, "Today's the day. He is on and getting the hang of it." So I let go of the seat. He did not notice at first and was riding his bike. Then he noticed I was about 4 feet away from him. I instructed him to remain calm...I think my words were "Don't freak out. Just relax! You got it!" He is still nervous and pleads, "Mom please hold on." So he puts on breaks and asks for a moment to sit on the bench and think about how he just rode his bike. Snapshot to my heart forever. So he rests, closes his eyes and who knows how he visualized that moment. We decide to ride back to the car, drop off the bike and celebrate with play on the killer playground (climbing rock and mock skateboard thing). On the way back he is cruising so quickly I can hardly keep up. I say, "Does it feel great?" He replies, "I can feel the breeze on my face!" We head home in a glow. The joy/accomplished/happy/loving/goodness is hard to describe. See what I mean by "perfect day wrapped up and placed on a special shelf"?

3-6-10

there is Ebb. not so much a flow.
oh flow, where art thou?
my bones ache. my lungs struggle. my eyes water.
but my mind needs you. like water needs ripples AND stillness.
oh flow, come back. comeback so that i can flow forward.
oh flow, help me to move AND become still.

Pink Pancakes yummmm

Two Christmas's ago, I received a gift from my parents..."Deceptively Delicious" by Jessica Seinfeld. The book contains "secret ways"of incorporating vegetables into those kids that "refuse to eat vegetables" meals. For those of you that do not know...my son...is one of those. He once said "Mom, I'll eat salad when I'm sixteen." To fight the vegetable battle until then (which would be 10.5 years), I have attempted a few of Mrs. Seinfeld's recipes...back when I got the book...over two years ago. Lately, the guilt of my child's nutritional health has bitten again. (Not to mention my attempt to reverse the recent glutton behavior on my behalf and get healthier.) So...I pureed beets yesterday during a smoothie creation and voila! Pink Pancakes! And they were darn good! You blend the puree, ricotta cheese,water, vanilla, and cinammon with pancake mix and grated apples. The cakes turned out thin, light, and crisp on the outside. The best part...Sulli got a daily dose of a vegetable. The second best part...seeing how something that comes from the earth has such beautiful color. If you have not "played" with beets, I definitely recommend it.

Sorry...no pictures this time.